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The Roundup September 19 & 20

Ben Bernanke

Why the stupid grin? Because I still have my job. So there.

It was an Onion kind of week in the wacky world of business news. As Voltaire once said, “If The Onion did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.” Well, not really, but here’s just a few of the more Oniony moments from this week’s business roundup.

Fed chief says recession may be over but may not be over, yet.
In one of those “thanks for the breaking news” announcements that only economists are capable of, Federal Reserve Bank chief, “I’m not just a member of the hair club” Ben Bernanke, announced to a startled world that the recession may just possibly, maybe, perhaps be over but added that the recession could, in fact, worsen if things like unemployment kept increasing. Remember what I always say: economists are the folks who don’t know the answer much better than the rest of us don’t know the answer.

For this story, I will leave it up to you to come up with witty but sexually suggestive Onion headline.
Newt Gingrich and his DC Pac, American Solutions for Winning the Future, names porn actress and adult film company owner, Alison Vivas, Entrepreneur Of The Year. Then the Newtster has second thoughts. Now, normally, writing witty remarks can be quite challenging for the roundup writers, especially when the subject is that humor-sucking vacuum, Ben Bernanke. But this story is like dynamiting fish in a barrel, so for we’ve made it a BYOS (bring your own sarcasm) party.

Just when you thought bankers were total scumbags, Wells Fargo changes the definition of “total.”
Cheronda Guyton, the senior VP for foreclosed properties at Wells Fargo, decided that her mega-bonuses weren’t enough and used a Malibu mansion that her bank foreclosed on as a weekend party destination.

Musicians seek royalty payments whenever you hum a tune or hear it in your head.
The music industry, proving that bankers do not really have a lock on the scumbag chiseler market, are insisting now that Apple and others pay them royalties for any downloaded movies that contain their music as well as the free thirty second clips that people play on the iTunes site to see, well, if they want to buy the piece of music.

Microsoft determined to make no money just as well as Google makes no money.
Microsoft, acknowledging that giving away free products that generate no revenues is the wave of the competitive future, launched beta browser-based versions of their flagship Microsoft Office software. Determined to show the world that they can generate no revenues from their products just as well as Google and Twitter can, they’re lining up beta testers to make sure they have the best free product that generates no revenues out there.

We need more tea research, tea researcher says.
In a surprise announcement, Tea Board (a government funded tea research organization) chairman Basudeb Banerjee insisted that tea companies fund more tea research through, you guessed it, the Tea Board. Citing the adverse affects of deficient residue testing, Banerjee raised the spectre of adverse trade relations with the EU and other countries. Some people, it seems, take their job really, really seriously. Or you could be more like Chinese tea exporters and just drop a couple ounces of lead in a tea bag and call it a day.

Customizable cake toppers. The product itself is an Onion headline that needs no help.
Don’t knock ’em, though. At some $600 a pop, there’s certainly money to be made selling little plastic wedding cake toppers that actually looks kinda sorta like the bride and groom if the bride and groom were two inches tall and made of plastic. And in spectacular proof that The Onion has successfully infiltrated the New York Times newsroom, click the story link and take a gander at the “customized” cake topper they feature in the photograph: it’s an old guy somewhere north of his Medicare years marrying a winsome, buxom college student. Or just a Fox News anchor team, take your pick. And the old guy — we’ll call him Ed just for fun — probably comes with a pocket full of miniature plastic blue pills. Just for fun.

Kanye West thinks your Web site sucks.
You may like your Web site, but Kanye West has been talking trash about it. Just follow the link and type in your URL to get Kanye’s expert opinion.

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